Something missing

There had always been something missing, constantly that feeling of not being complete. A sadness that was hard to define and would come over her suddenly at unexpected and often inappropriate moments. Scenes of people greeting their loved ones at airports or a little lost dog would have her in floods of tears seemingly out of proportion to the event. 

Gaynor realized Christine was saying something to her.

'I'm sorry, I almost dropped off.' she turned her head sideways and smiled.

'I was asking if you wore glasses or contact lenses.?'

Gaynor sat up and pulled her long hair back up into a ponytail.

'I'm really short-sighted, I wear contact lenses all the time. I've had bad eye sight practically since I was born. Why do you ask? Do my eyes look red''

'No not at all.' 

Christine wrote something in the notebook that she was holding.

'I'd just like to ask you a few more questions and then we've finished.'

Gaynor lay back and tried to relax. She breathed in slowly through her nose and counted to three and then slowly out through her mouth like Christine had suggested. She thought consciously of the air filling her lungs and felt a bit dizzy.

It had been her friend Patsy's idea to have a few sessions with Christine. She'd been when her husband left her and said it was her salvation. Christine helped you work through your problems and find your own solutions without making you feel a failure or resentful and bitter. Patsy was now happy with a new boyfriend and looked ten years younger.

' Have you any brothers or sisters Gaynor?' Christine's voice was soothing.

'No, there's just me. Mum had such a hard time when I was born the doctors advised her not to have any more. My husband Tom has got two sisters and they treat me like one of them. I'm really lucky to have them.'

Gaynor often thought how lucky she was, everyone thought she was, she knew she was. She had a mother and father who doted on her, a husband who adored her and two small lively, adorable little  boys, Eddie and Sam. So why had she always had this feeling of loss, of something missing?

'Ok that's it for today Gaynor. If you want to come again next week ring and make an appointment, I'm free in the mornings.'

Gaynor stood up and straightened her top.

'You must think I'm awfully spoilt. Here I am with everything going for me and taking up your time like this. I don't understand it. I know you must see so many people with problems. I feel guilty taking up your time.'

Christine was silent and then took a breath.

'Look Gaynor lots of people take what I do with a pinch of salt, laugh at it even or try to rationalize what I tell them. I was going to wait until you'd had a few sessions but I think you need to know.'

Gaynor's eyes were enormous and she nodded at Christine to continue.

'This short sightedness of yours tells me that you didn't want to see something, way back at the start of your life, something enormous, tragic even and it is blocking your vital channels. We'll get it sorted out, you'll be fine.'

The moment Gaynor got in the car she burst into tears, a feeling of deep pain went through her. Christine was right about people being sceptical. Tom would say that she somehow knew about  Gaynor's short sight and was using it to appear clever. Her phone rang, it was her mother, Sheila. Gaynor grabbed it like a life belt.

' Oh mum I feel awful' she sobbed.' I've just been to see the alternative therapist that Patsy recommended and feel worse than ever. Can I come round, are you at home?'

Gaynor sat in her mother's kitchen and sipped the hot sweet tea and told her what Christine had said about her eyesight. Surprisingly her mother didn't comment or scoff and instead looked very serious and Gaynor stiffened as she saw a tear drop onto the table.

'I should have told you years ago Gaynor. I'm so sorry.' her mother put her hands up in front of her eyes. Gaynor gently took them away and held them in hers.
She felt afraid.
'What is it mum, tell me.'

Gaynor's mother took a deep breath.

'You were a twin.' then she broke down as the years of painful emotion, heartbreak and loss poured out, overflowing and engulfing the two women. Gaynor hugged her mother and stroke her hair.

'Oh Gaynor, I'm so sorry. I thought you'd never need to know and wanted to spare you this pain. In those days we just had to buck up and get on with it. I was so lucky really, I had you and you have been the most wonderful daughter I could wish for. Your father was and still is my rock and he helped me through and get on with the business of looking after you.'

A bond formed then stronger and deeper than ever as the two women held each other, understanding the pain and joy of the miracle of birth.

When Sheila closed the door after seeing her daughter off and reassuring her again she went back into her kitchen and poured out a large glass of her home made sloe gin. She kept it for Christmas and special occasions. As the drink flowed  through her, warming and burning at the same time, the tears poured down her face and she wept at last for her lost daughter, for the moment when the insensitive doctor had told her that it was Christine's foot pressing into her sister in the womb that had been the cause. She was determined that Christine would never be burdened with this pain.











'

Voices in the Wind, Susie

So far I have written two stories called Voices in the Wind, one about Frances and one about Beth, her granddaughter. I asked my husband if there were any characters in my stories that he'd like to know more about and he said, Susie from 'Voices in the Wind.'
So here is a story about Susie, for him, following on from her conversation with Frances on the beach. Frances was worried that Susie was neglecting her husband Martin and spending too much time with one of the fathers at Beth's nursery school.

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As Frances and Susie walked back along the beach the wind  tousled their hair and stung their eyes. Their eyes locked and a feeling of deep complicity passed between them. Susie hugged her mother-in-law and they both were aware for the first time of their great affection for each other.

'Thank you Frances. I really enjoyed having a picnic on the beach with you. I'm going to fetch Beth from nursery school now. Maybe you and Bill could go and get her Tomorrow?'

Frances beamed.

'I'd love that, dear, and so would Bill.'

As Susie drove away she decided on an impulse to pass by the garage and see if Martin could spare the time to come with her to fetch Beth. Frances had stirred some feelings of guilt in her and she wanted to clear things up.

She parked her car by the office and went to say hello to Marion who did all the office work.

 'Just thought I'd surprise Martin,'

Marion smiled. 'He's working on Julie Tate's wagon, she's always round here with a problem, brakes, oil whatever, tossing her hair around and offering him cigarettes near the gas pumps. She's trouble if you ask me.'

When Susie walked in the garage she saw Martin's legs sticking out from under Julie's red Dodge pick up, his jeans splattered with oil.  Her heart missed a beat and she felt the same thrill of passion as when she first met him. Julie was standing there watching Martin . She was wearing tiny shorts and a tight sweater. She looked at Susie, smiled quickly and scuttled off to Marion's office. Susie stood looking at her husband and thought back to when she first met him.

She'd come here to the garage with her brother to fix the brakes on his old camper van.
They were planning to go to San Fransisco, both flower power children whose motto along with many others of their generation was 'make love not war.'
When Martin slid out from under the car he'd looked at her and sat up with such force that he'd bumped his head. He told her afterwards that he was astounded by her beauty and it was love at first sight. They'd laughed at the time but the force of their passion overwhelmed them both. She never went to San Fransisco and had married him within six months. They had lived next to the garage ever since.

Susie knelt down and spoke gently, her voice a whisper.

'Hey there. I can see a great pair of legs from here. Don't bump your head now as you come out.'

There was silence as Martin stopped fiddling around with the mysterious realm of the engine. Then he slowly slid out and looked at her in such a way that she felt faint and dizzy.

'I just came by to see if you could come with me to fetch Beth. We could take her for an ice cream soda at the cafè near the school.'

Martin stood up and rubbed his hands on a rag then put them on either side of her face and kissed her full on the mouth.

'Just give me five minutes to clean up a bit and I'll be ready.'

He went off whistling and with a spring in his step that she hadn't seen for awhile.

That evening when Beth was asleep and they were on the porch watching the sun go down, Martin took hold of Susie's hand and squeezed it.

'Are you happy Susie? I know that a garage mechanic is a far cry from your upbringing, all those clever people in your family.'

Susie turned to him and he caught his breath at the expression of desire and love in her eyes.

'I saw your mom today and I've been doing some thinking. I always admired my mom and dad. You know what a brilliant man my dad was. He was a researcher at Havard during the war and that's when he discovered his genius at healing people with burns and shock. His skill has won him many awards and saved many lives. When I look at your hands Martin I see the same gentle skill that my dad has. You make cars safe for people and you have passion. I admire you and your dad. Our parents had traumatic early years with the war.They didn't want any more of that and neither did we. We wanted to change all that and live in peace.'

She stopped and looked at Martin. His big handsome face was half in shadow but she was sure she saw a tear glisten on his cheek. With one fluid movement she hurled herself onto his knee.

He held her away.

'I don't know whats got into you honey. Is there someone else?'

Susie threw her head back and laughed, releasing all the confusion that had been whirling around inside her lately.

'Oh no quite the opposite. I only ever want you. For ever and ever.'

Martin kissed her and she pressed herself hard against him.

When they came up for air, Martin cleared his throat and took a deep breath.

'It might not be the right time to say this, but Marion is retiring soon and I thought you might like to do a book-keeping course and take over the office work. you could fit it in round Beth's school. It would be kind of nice to have you there near me. I can just call out any time, hey woman do this or that, get me a coffee.'

His broad grin was contagious and she grinned back. They sat there like that for some time, just looking at each other and loving each other with their eyes.

Stories from the Cedar Cafè, Mike 7

In Stories from The Cedar Cafè Jackie (n.2), we meet Jackie and her mother. Jackie is worried that her husband Mike is having an affair and asks her mother for advice. This story is about her husband Mike.


Mike's phone beeped just as he was parking his car. He glanced at the text. It was from Sandra. He felt a twinge of alarm. She wanted him to ring her. He put the phone on loudspeaker and looked around him. Sandra wanted him to put some money into her account and so he had decided to come to a branch of his bank on the other side of town. He didn't want to arouse suspicion by going to his usual branch where people knew him.

Sandra answered immediately, speaking to him in low, sultry tones.

'Darling I left my sunglasses in your car, they're very expensive ones, Gucci, when you've finished at the bank we could have lunch together and you could give them to me, I'm lost without them.'

For the first time Sandra's voice failed to give him a thrill, instead he was filled with panic.

'I'm not sure  if I can today Sandra, Nell's calling us on Skype at lunchtime.'

There was a long silence and Mike could imagine Sandra pouting with irritation and trying to furrow her botoxed brow, but when she spoke it was with her usual seductive charm.

'Never mind darling, text me when you're free. You have got all my codes haven't you? Would you like me to read them out to you again?'

The bank was full and Mike joined the queue and stood looking out of the window.
He saw a cafè on the corner over the road that looked the sort of place he and Jackie would like.
The thought of Jackie filled him with alarm. He hadn't really thought about her much lately.
What would she do if she found out about Sandra? He'd got swept away by Sandra's infatuation for him, it was a new and exciting sensation for him to be so adored. He'd never doubted that Jackie loved him but she'd never been like Sandra.

Mike had never been popular with the girls growing up in Newcastle. He wasn't good at sport or handsome and was quiet and shy. He'd grown up in the shadow of his older brother Jonathan who always had a string of beautiful girl friends and was a top lawyer by the time he was thirty.  Mike had become a doctor and specialised in Dermatology and got a job in a big London hospital. It was there that he met Jackie who was training to be a teacher and shared a flat with one of the nurses on his ward.  Jackie was kind and caring and a great cook. Jonathan described her as 'good solid wife material', making it sound dull and boring. Jackie was his first and only girl friend. He remembered feeling so grateful that someone was interested in him and he asked her to marry him within a year. They'd had Nell two years after their wedding. She was easy-going and cheerful like Jackie and the three of them formed a happy family unit, quietly getting on with the business of their lives, working hard and taking care of each other and their families.

All this had changed last year. Nell went off to Australia for two years as part of her course as an architect, his parents went into a home, both with extreme memory loss and his brother Jonathan  left his second wife for a beautiful Danish barrister. Mike had been asked to work in a clinic in Harley Street on a part time basis and it had seemed a good idea to prepare for his retirement from the hospital. His clients were all beautiful women seeking to be even more beautiful and afraid of growing old. They were very appreciative of his skills and he was constantly being asked out for lunch to admire the results of his work.

Mike had become unsettled and restless. Jackie was still teaching and didn't seem to notice that he had lost his appetite in the evening after his long lunches with wine. Without Nell around the house was quiet and he would go off to bed saying he was tired after the extra hours at the clinic.

Mike sighed heavily and the man in front turned round.

'It's busy this morning, but I'll be quick. I'm meeting my wife at the Cedar cafè.'

The man had a lovely Scottish accent and a very kind face.

Mike smiled at him and looked at his phone. There was a text from Sandra, full of kisses and then reminding him of the amount she wanted.  Mike felt guilt creep all over him and somewhere deep inside he started to feel ashamed. He wished he was able to say he was meeting Jackie at the cafè.

 Mike looked out of the window and his heart skipped a beat as he saw Jackie pushing her mother past in a wheelchair. She was leaning forward and seemed to be listening intently to what her mother was saying. A wave of tenderness and love swept over him and he had to pinch his nose as tears threatened to fall. How vulnerable they looked and how beautiful. In a flash of wisdom he saw that their gentle calm life together was based on a deep true love. She may have been the only woman he had made love to, before Sandra, but he now knew that she was the only one he wanted. Jackie was his friend and lover and though they might have been a bit distant lately, he wanted her back and to start again.

The Scottish man tapped him on the shoulder.

'I've finished mate, it's your turn.'

Mike went up to the counter and spoke through the glass.

'Sorry I've made a mistake, I've come to the wrong place.'

He ran back to the car and pulled out his phone.

'Sandra, I'm sorry, I need to see you, I've made a mistake, I'm very sorry.'

He was aware that he was gabbling, his words desperately trying to put right what he'd done wrong. There would be recriminations he was sure, and hurtful words, but Sandra would soon console herself, of that he was sure. It was Jackie that he was afraid of hurting beyond repair. He would have to tell her the truth and then he would have to convince her that he was sorry. It wouldn't be easy but he would do anything to have his old life back. Maybe he could take her to a spa and then in the Summer they could visit Nell in Australia. His phone rang, it was Jackie.

'Hi Mike, I've just taken mum to a new cafè on the west side of town, near her hairdressers. I think you'd like it. They do proper Italian coffee and Almond pastries.
I was thinking that I might book us a spa for half-term. What do you think?'

Mike drew in his breath.
Did he imagine it or was her voice different? She sounded almost afraid.

'Oh Jackie, I would love that. You have no idea how much.'
He paused and then said all in one breath,
'I love you.'

It sounded like she was crying as she replied. 'I love you too.'

Clive the Guardian Angel at the Cedar Café

The moment Clive entered the Cedar Cafe he was enveloped  in a cloud of rose, vanilla and violet. A shower of colour was released, sparks of gold and silver flew into the air. It was quite different from the place he'd just come from. There he had been surrounded by grey and black with the occasional emerald or sapphire like random jewels.

Clive  still felt warmed by the good things that had happened there. It was what's called a Refugee camp. Clive's speciality was sorting out misunderstandings and helping people reason. 

Clive thought that misunderstandings between people and indifference caused more harm in the world than evil and badness. Clive knew that everyone had some good in them. They needed to express their feelings and make themselves understood.

In the Refugee camp no- one seemed to know what they wanted, there was all this destruction and he couldn't reason with anyone.

Then amongst all the rubble he had seen a little boy bending down and tucking his little sister's hand in his. He'said something to her and she laughed and dried her tears. Clive had gone right up to them and looked into their eyes. He could see into their souls. Bright blue and gold sparks showered around them. Silver jets of kindness wrapped round them like a cloak. There had then been a chain effect. A young man had helped an old lady. An old man had held out his hand to his son. A young man had shared his water. 

Clive swallowed hard. He went towards the window. An old lady was sitting there on her own with her hands cradling her coffee cup. 

Clive could smell roses and lavender. He sensed a life well spent. Kind deeds and friendly gestures among all the hard work. 

On the next table there was another old lady, also on her own. She had grey clouds of sadness around her but they had not invaded her soul. Sparks of golden love and rosy pink  formed a protecting shield.

In the middle of the cafe there was a young man holding a phone, his fingers nimbly tapping away, a smile playing on his lips. Ruby red sparkles of passion wafted around him mixed with a gentler rose tinted shower and studded with silver stars. Clive  recognized true love, he had seen it many times but it never failed to fill him with wonder.

Clive looked around to see who needed help sorting out misunderstanding. There must be someone here for him to have been called. He looked at the notes that he'd placed under his wing. Margo and Judith. It said Judith was married to Margo's brother Steve and suffered from jealousy and envy. She couldn't bare it when they laughed at things together, their shared complicity annoyed her . Margo tried hard to ignore her brother when he was with Judith. Clive had seen these apparently trivial situations escalate and bring out the worst in people. 

Then he saw them, the ones he'd come to help.  One of them, Margo had her hair in a pony tail and was surrounded by pale lavender, pink and white. Around her head was yellow and blue and from her heart the colours of true love. Only Clive could see the grey of sadness and hurt that wound its way around the edge.

She was someone who naturally loved other people and cared deeply. She made every effort to understand and that was what made her special. People like her needed protecting.

The woman next to her must be Judith. She had muddy green shoots of envy round her. True,  there were faint traces of pink and a small cloud of blue, signs that she had some goodness but she chose where to spread it.

Clive went closer. He wanted to help clear away the misunderstandings between the two women. He wanted to sweep away the grey hurt from Margo's heart and wash away the green envy from Judith.

It should be easy here in this warm, safe place.

He went nearer and then stopped abruptly. There right close to Judith's heart was a dark brown rusty shape, hardly noticeable, but Clive shook with fear. It was meanness and it was pointing right at Margo. It was too much for a little angel like him.

Clive knew he could do nothing about meanness.  He knew from experience that Margo would always be hurt by Judith, she would have to accept it, but it would make her appreciate even more the genuine kindness from all those she met and loved. Judith got up and as she left the cafè some of her meanness lingered behind. Margo looked very sad.

Just then a very handsome man entered the café and on spotting Margo he slid unnoticed into a seat near her.

Clive watched as the man whispered in Margo's ear. A showe of brilliant red and gold shimmered and sparkled around them. It was Angus, Margo's husband.

Clive  felt intense warmth and joy all around him. Love had come to the rescue once again.