Pam's Secret

The kitchen door was wide open and loud rock music was blaring from the radio. Judith walked in and called out to her mother, Pam, who skidded into the kitchen singing along to the music and holding a broom as a microphone, swishing her dark brown hair from side to side and impersonating Tina Turner. She switched off the radio.

' You made me jump, how lovely to see you Judith, have you got time for a cup of tea?'

Pam stopped and looked more closely at her daughter. She gently pushed her down onto a chair and switched on the kettle.

'Everything alright Judy? You look done in.'

Judith burst into tears and her mother took her in her arms.

'There, there, what is it? Nothing a nice cup of tea won't put right.'

 She stroked her daughter's beautiful strawberry blond hair, pulled it up into a ponytail and started twirling it around the way she always had done ever since Judy was a toddler.

Judith sobbed loudly.

'John's been told he's got a low sperm count.' She broke into even louder sobs.

'We've got an appointment at the IVF clinic. I'm scared.'
She blew her nose loudly and wiped at her face with the back of her hand.

'Hannah at work went in for all that treatment  and it blew her marriage apart. Then Jemma from uni had triplets and she's always tired and snappy and her husband's having an affair. I don't want that to happen to me and John.' She broke into sobs again.

Judith and John had been trying for a baby for two years now. Pam hated that expression. As if reading her mind, Judy went on,

'John says it's taking all the passion and romance out of our marriage. He doesn't even want to make love any more.'

Pam could imagine what a blow it would be to John's masculine pride to be told he was firing blanks. He was always  doing something macho, playing rugby, body building, paragliding, rock climbing, scuba diving, going off with the Territorial army for weekends.

Pam went to pour the tea and handed Judith her favourite mug with 'May you be happy always' stamped on it. She'd added a drop of whisky to it and two heaped spoonfuls of sugar. She put her arm round her daughter and buried her face in her soft hair. She chose her words carefully, putting as much reassurance as possible into her voice.

'Oh darling, you'll be alright. You love each other so much. There are lots of options these days.'

'I know mum, but part of me thinks that maybe it's not meant to be. We've got so much going for us. I couldn't bear to lose him.'

Judith sobbed loudly and Pam stroked her gently, then handed her a tissue. Judith blew her nose loudly and looked at her mother, her eyes red and swollen. there was desperation in her voice when she spoke.

'Oh mum, I'm so frightened, I thought having a baby would be so easy.' She blew her nose again and put her hand on Pam's arm.

'Would you be very disappointed not to be a grandmother?'

Judith didn't see the shadow that crossed her mother's face. Pam handed the biscuit tin to Judith and took one herself.

'I feel very lucky to have you and so does dad.'

Pam stroked her daughter's lovely hair. Her heart felt heavy and a deep sadness settled over her.

She thought back to that Summer over thirty years ago.  She'd been married to Rick for six years and there was no sign of a baby. They were both under great strain, all they did was argue.  Rick was always working late at the office. He had a new secretary and he often came home when she was already in bed. She had tried to ignore the smell of alcohol and perfume that he brought home with him.

It was her mother's idea for her to go and stay for awhile on her auntie's farm while Rick was in the States on business.  Her mother said that all the fresh country air and home cooking would put some colour back in her cheeks. Pam's mother had sat her down and made her a cup of tea, just like she had with Judith just now. Pam shuddered slightly as she remembered her mother's soft voice telling her about the book she'd been reading. It was a historical novel of the sort she devoured, ' bodice rippers ' her father called them. She'd said that once women from noble families would go to great lengths to produce an heir. She'd said that in the past women had a do it yourself attitude to insuring that the family line carried on. In the book she was reading the heroine had sought out someone suitable with no link to her family life. Judith remembered nearly choking on her tea as her mother's message had sunk in.

That Christmas after her American holiday Rick had held her hand tight,and with tears in his eyes told their families that she was pregnant. He looked like he would burst with pride.
Rick was a doting dad from the start and adored his daughter.  There was no other woman in his life after that. Pam and Judy were his whole world.
There had been no more children.

Whenever she looked at Judith's glossy hair and brilliant blue eyes she thought of Anton, the young Danish boy who had been working on her auntie's farm that summer.
He was only twenty and had come to work on the farm and learn English before going to Medical school in Copenhagen.

Pam stood up, taking a deep breath. She turned the radio back on and tuned in to Classic Fm.

The sparkling melody of Beethoven's Pastoral symphony filled the kitchen. A strand of Spring sunshine arched across the room and lit up Judith's hair, she had folded her arms and laid her head on them, exhausted after all the crying.  She couldn't see the expression on Pam's face as she spoke quietly to her.

' The doctors have made a lot of progress with assisted pregnancies in the last thirty or so years Judith. Whatever you do I will support you, but your marriage is precious and must be protected.'

Judith looked up then and went to her mother and hugged her tight.

'Oh mum how do you do it? You make everything alright again. I feel much better. Somehow the fact that it's John's fault as it were, makes it easier. I couldn't live without him. Maybe we could adopt, but whatever we do, it's him that I want, he must come first. I'm going home now, I need to see John and reassure him.'

Pam waved as her daughter drove away and then stood quite still, looking out of the window, and letting the music soothe her.

She sighed heavily, pondering the weight that she had been carrying all these years.
Every generation seemed to have its own moral code. In the last thirty years everything had changed dramatically and there was no going back.

Pam picked up her phone, a tear falling on her cheek when she heard her husband's voice. soft and low and full of love.

'Hello Pam darling, telepathy, I was just thinking of you. How about if I take my two favourite girls out for lunch to the new restaurant by the river?It might make Judy relax a bit, if you get what I mean.'

For the first time in thirty years Pam felt a huge weight in her heart, her head throbbed and she had trouble to speak. Then she wiped away the tears, smiled at the sunbeams dancing across the kitchen. In a way she and Judith were the same, doing everything they could to keep the man they loved, doing it themselves, in different ways.