The doctor stared at her and looked as though he was going to say something but then bent his head and started to scribble on the pad in front of him. Valerie hunted in her bag for a dummy to try and stop the baby's grizzling. The doctor tore off a piece of paper and handed it to her with a sympathetic smile.
' There is nothing wrong from the tests, ' he tapped his head, 'It's in here. These pills should help.'
Valerie felt tears sting her eyes, relief flooded her that all was well with the tests, she started to babble,
'You see the thing is I miss my mum, I feel so far from home, I feel … lost'
She looked at the doctor, he wasn't smiling any more. He stood up and moved towards the door.
'You're the mother now. You are responsible for a family. Come back in a month's time and we'll see.'
Valerie pushed the buggy out of the door. The baby started screaming, the people in the waiting room stared at her. She started shaking. She wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand and walked towards the pharmacy. She handed the prescription to the young lady pharmacist, her long blonde hair glossy and her make up perfect. Her white coat had a few buttons undone and her black lacy bra was clearly visible. She smiled at Valerie. 'Are you Steve's wife? I was at school with him. He's a handful isn't he? Tell him Jenny sends her love.'
The baby screamed and Valerie bent down to her, glad of the chance to hide her face.
'There there Emma, we're going home now.'
'Just one thing', Jenny was still talking, 'Have you stopped breast feeding? You can't take these if you're breastfeeding.'
Valerie shook her head. Another one of her failings. Emma had been such a fretful feeder, yelling and turning her head away, clawing at Valerie''s breast. What she had been looking forward to as a sensual experience, had turned into a nightmare. Steve had insisted that she change to bottle feeding, he couldn't stand it, the broken nights, the endless feeds. The bottle feeding hadn't made much difference to the endless crying but at least she could tell if Emma had had enough.
By the time they arrived home Emma had cried herself to sleep and Valerie decided to leave her in the buggy while she tidied up. Just as she was about to make the bed her phone rang. It was her mum.
'Hello darling what did the doctor say? How is my gorgeous little granddaughter?' and she was off, telling Valerie all about her Bridge club, Pilates, Book club and how marvellous Valerie's sister and brother-in-law were, always inviting her to meals and checking she was alright. She paused, 'sorry darling what did you say about the doctor?'
Valerie smiled to herself, she knew her mother meant well,
'Everything is alright mum, he gave me some pills, I'm not sure what they are for, I've only just come home.'
Her mother sighed, 'Oh thank goodness! You must look after yourself, as well as your handsome husband and beautiful baby. Remember what I said about always running to the door to greet him and wearing lipstick. Your father never looked at another woman once. Speak soon, lots of love.'
Valerie went to the bedroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She moved her hair away from her face and winced at the pain. There was sat down on the unmade bed and took out the pills that the doctor had prescribed.
The conversation with her mother had released some of the tension that seemed to lay permanently within her. When she and Steve had lived in London they were able to go and see her mother and sister quite often and easily. They had moved to the town in Norfolk where Steve had grown up because his father wanted him to take over his business. Valerie was planning to go back to work when Emma was at nursery school. While she was pregnant life had been fun. She had enjoyed getting to know Steve's family and friends.
Since the birth though things were ver different. The journey to Berkshire had become impossible. Last time six hours with Emma crying constantly. Steve worked longer and longer hours. Worst of all was an aggressive side to his nature that she had never seen. His language had become vile and yesterday he had hit her. Too stunned to speak she had grabbed Emma and slept on the floor beside her cot.
She pulled out the sheet from the medicine box and started to read it. She was astonished to see the words bipolar, depression, extreme anxiety, she carried on reading the side effects. Surely the doctor couldn't think she needed this, he hardly knew her.
Maybe the violence in Steve was all her fault, maybe she wasn't good enough for him.
Just then she heard Steve's key in the door. He swore as he kicked the buggy, which woke Emma, who started screaming. He marched into the bedroom.
His eyes swept round the room taking in the unmade bed, and glared at Valerie and spat out the words 'What a mess! What a tip!' his top lip curled. His voice rose to a high pitch. 'What have you been doing all day. Chatting to mummy who you miss so much?'
Valery gripped the bottle of pills in her hand. She held her head high and walked passed him into the bathroom. She locked the door. She looked at her self in the mirror and opened the bottle of pills.
Steve pounded on the door. Valery looked at her reflection in the mirror and heard her father's last words 'Live a good life Valery. Live for me'. In one movement she tipped the pills down the sink.
She opened the door. Steve stumbled into her. When she spoke her voice was calm 'Please go in the kitchen and lay the table. I'll order us a pizza".
She picked Emma out of the buggy and giggled her up and down to stop her crying. The baby burst into a joyful giggle. Steve's mouth opened wide and his face broke into a grin. He looked like the man she had fallen in love with. 'Emma, your first laugh!" He said in a gentle voice.
Valery held her breath. She would go back to the doctor tomorrow.
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